http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVWazHTunSI&ob=av2e
Do what you, what you want
If you have a dream for better
Do what you, what you want
'til you don’t want it anymore (remember who you really are)
Do what you, what you want
Your world’s closing in on you now (it isn’t over)
Stand and face the unknown (got to remember who you really are)
Every heart in my hands
Like a pale reflection
Hello, hello, remember me?
I’m everything you can’t control
Somewhere beyond the pain
There must be a way to believe
We can break through
Do what you, what you want
You don’t have to lay your life down (it isn’t over)
Do what you, what you want
‘til you find what you’re looking for (got to remember who you really are)
But every hour slipping by
Screams that I have failed you
Hello, hello, remember me?
I’m everything you can’t control
Somewhere beyond the pain
There must be a way to believe
Hello, hello, remember me?
I’m everything you can’t control
Somewhere beyond the pain
There must be a way to believe
There’s still time
Close your eyes
Only love will guide you home
Tear down the walls and free your soul
‘Til we crash
We’re forever spiraling
Down, down, down, down
Hello, hello
It’s only me infecting everything you love
Somewhere beyond the pain
There must be a way to believe
Hello, hello, remember me?
I’m everything you can’t control
Somewhere beyond the pain
There must be a way to learn forgiveness
Hello, hello, remember me?
I’m everything you can’t control
Somewhere beyond the pain
There must be a way to believe
We can break through
Remember who you really are
Do what you, what you want
Friday, November 18, 2011
No. No, I will not be quiet.
Anyone who has been around me in person for at least a few minutes knows that I have a very loud, raucous, somewhat obnoxious laugh. It's been that way as long as I can remember... And as such, is very much a part of my identity, at least it is in my eyes. It's the only way I know how to express joy, humor, just overall enjoyment of life at that particular moment. And many others I know seem to like it, because it's "genuine". It's not some dumb little giggle a lot of other chicks put in to play simply because they want someone to believe they're funny just to be liked... I rarely, if ever, do the giggle, in fact. Pretty much because it just seems so fake. Others hate it with a passion, however... Which is fine, but it's when you feel it necessary to tell me that my having a good time is interfering with your existence is when I get offended.
To me, asking me to stifle my laughter is exactly the same as asking me to keep any sort of happiness I may have under wraps. It's telling me that being myself isn't acceptable. That you all are too busy being miserable to allow someone else within a few feet of you to have fun. And to tell me to be quiet at WORK just confirms my belief that this shithole where I work is the most depressing place ever. "How DARE she laugh while on the clock? This is not acceptable!!!!" And the thing that makes this even more hurtful to me is the one who told me to be quiet was the manager on duty tonight... My mom.
This is not the first time she's tried to keep my laughter under wraps, either. It seems that in her eyes, my laughter isn't fit for public consumption. It makes me sad that she can't seem to accept this part of who I am, but I keep telling myself that she's just so miserable in her own life that she can't handle it when someone else is happy. (At least, that's what I hope, as bad as it sounds. It sounds better than "she hates when her daughter is being herself".)
As much as I don't want to reign this part of me in, it's been enough of an issue to make me wonder if I really am that much of a nuisance to the public. Because, you know, it's not like I need anything else to make me feel like a misfit... But oh, well. It stays. And that's final.
To me, asking me to stifle my laughter is exactly the same as asking me to keep any sort of happiness I may have under wraps. It's telling me that being myself isn't acceptable. That you all are too busy being miserable to allow someone else within a few feet of you to have fun. And to tell me to be quiet at WORK just confirms my belief that this shithole where I work is the most depressing place ever. "How DARE she laugh while on the clock? This is not acceptable!!!!" And the thing that makes this even more hurtful to me is the one who told me to be quiet was the manager on duty tonight... My mom.
This is not the first time she's tried to keep my laughter under wraps, either. It seems that in her eyes, my laughter isn't fit for public consumption. It makes me sad that she can't seem to accept this part of who I am, but I keep telling myself that she's just so miserable in her own life that she can't handle it when someone else is happy. (At least, that's what I hope, as bad as it sounds. It sounds better than "she hates when her daughter is being herself".)
As much as I don't want to reign this part of me in, it's been enough of an issue to make me wonder if I really am that much of a nuisance to the public. Because, you know, it's not like I need anything else to make me feel like a misfit... But oh, well. It stays. And that's final.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Time to grow a pair.
So my day started by finding a note from the previous nights' manager to my bosses, explaining how the resident fucktard(who, from here on in, I will refer to as Dumbass) in the kitchen was messing up left and right, and this is a quote, "was off in Neverland all night because his trampy girlfriend left him"(I love Vickie sometimes. Ha. And yes, we all pretty much hated this chick because she somehow transformed our coworker into a pussywhipped dipshit. As opposed to just a regular dipshit... But when your relationship starts affecting your productivity at work... Yeah.). Needless to say, the Bossman was in a hell of a mood after learning of this(Yay...), and we were all left shaking our heads at Dumbass once more. To completely fall apart over a bitch is about the stupidest thing ever, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, being dumped sucks, but that's no excuse to slack off on everything else. Of course, I'm the same bitch who showed up to work the morning after learning my father and grandfather both passed away within 12 hours of each other... But the way I see it, and the way I've experienced it, is as such: The world doesn't give a flying fuck if you're hurting, if your heart's been broken, if your entire existence has been turned upside down. Sure, a few choice people might stop and express concern(and one or two of them might actually be genuine), but at no time will the universe stop just for you to go cry in the corner for a day or two. So as far as I'm concerned, you either carry on like a little self-entitled bitch, or you get up, dust yourself off, and continue to keep up to the best of your ability. That, and I also find coping with devastating events a little easier when you make an effort to keep yourself occupied. I figure the more you force yourself to concentrate on other shit, the less time you have to dwell on the most recent incident of the world shitting on you.
Anyhow, my point being... Time to man up, Dumbass. I mean, the bitch already had your car impounded by driving it with no license, WRECKED your car and totaled it (After you let her drive it again... Retard...), bled you dry financially after she got picked up for selling weed and possession of weapons and you paid all of her fines and bail(Did you happen to tell her that you're only making minimum wage and a big chunk of that is going towards child support?), and had you take care of her pregnant ass when baby daddy booted her out. So... She had the baby, figured she can get the government and taxpayers to take care of her from here on in, and decided she didn't need you anymore? Please, do explain to me what the tragedy is here. Because the only thing I can think of is she possessed the most amazing pussy in the universe. I'm just sayin'. :-P
Also, I can report yet another family feud going down today. Apparently my sister, with no insurance, job, or mode of transportation made a dental appointment without consulting the provider of most of her financial needs and transportation, AKA Mom. Apparently she thinks that having wisdom teeth pulled is cheap and they won't do any sort of background check to see if she can actually make payments. When Mom questioned her on all of this, she pulled the "I AM AN ADULT!" card and hung up on her. Oh, little girl, you may be of age, but you have MUCH to learn about adulthood... It doesn't matter than you've already reproduced. SMH.....
Much of the family at odds with one another, and Thanksgiving is nearly a week away. Never have I thought that I'd become one of those people that dread the holidays due to being forced together with less-than-stable relatives, yet thanks to questionable decisions on the part of a couple of individuals and a living arrangement gone horrifically bad, here I am. Wishing more than anything a friend or relative far away would somehow invite me to hang with them. Doesn't look like that'll be happening, though, and I may very well have to be drunk to make it through next Thursday.
Pass the Tequila Rose.
Anyhow, my point being... Time to man up, Dumbass. I mean, the bitch already had your car impounded by driving it with no license, WRECKED your car and totaled it (After you let her drive it again... Retard...), bled you dry financially after she got picked up for selling weed and possession of weapons and you paid all of her fines and bail(Did you happen to tell her that you're only making minimum wage and a big chunk of that is going towards child support?), and had you take care of her pregnant ass when baby daddy booted her out. So... She had the baby, figured she can get the government and taxpayers to take care of her from here on in, and decided she didn't need you anymore? Please, do explain to me what the tragedy is here. Because the only thing I can think of is she possessed the most amazing pussy in the universe. I'm just sayin'. :-P
Also, I can report yet another family feud going down today. Apparently my sister, with no insurance, job, or mode of transportation made a dental appointment without consulting the provider of most of her financial needs and transportation, AKA Mom. Apparently she thinks that having wisdom teeth pulled is cheap and they won't do any sort of background check to see if she can actually make payments. When Mom questioned her on all of this, she pulled the "I AM AN ADULT!" card and hung up on her. Oh, little girl, you may be of age, but you have MUCH to learn about adulthood... It doesn't matter than you've already reproduced. SMH.....
Much of the family at odds with one another, and Thanksgiving is nearly a week away. Never have I thought that I'd become one of those people that dread the holidays due to being forced together with less-than-stable relatives, yet thanks to questionable decisions on the part of a couple of individuals and a living arrangement gone horrifically bad, here I am. Wishing more than anything a friend or relative far away would somehow invite me to hang with them. Doesn't look like that'll be happening, though, and I may very well have to be drunk to make it through next Thursday.
Pass the Tequila Rose.
It's not me, it's you...
One thing in my life that's been something of a constant that I've always found a bit amusing is my knack for having the deepest, most philosophical conversations with the seemingly most unlikely of people. This showed itself yet again today, as I found myself waxing poetic about the area in which I live and the people in it with my 19 year old metalhead coworker(We make a strange pair, the kid fresh out of high school and I. But we've forged a bond over a love of baseball and football and an appreciation of Beavis and Butthead, the Ace Ventura movies, and various other forms of ridiculous humor. Tyler, while not popular with the higher-ups, is all right with me- if not pretty damn immature, but we all have our drawbacks... And quite frankly, the opinions of the higher-ups are vapor to me.) Anyhow, long story short we agreed wholeheartedly on these points: 1) The people here seem to have nothing better to do than create drama, 2) there's an undercurrent of anger and negativity among the population of this area, and 3) given what we both have seen of the world outside of the southwestern lower Michigan/north central Indiana area, it seems like folks elsewhere are a HELL of a lot more open and friendlier than they are here. Tyler then mentioned he's contemplating a move to Denver where his buddy lives, as he thinks he needs a change of scenery. I, obviously, was supportive and encouraging of this idea(shit, I'm plotting my escape myself, so why wouldn't I be?). And truthfully, this conversation came as somewhat of a relief to me... To know that someone else hates this way of life just as much as I do. When you're surrounded by people who live this way day in and day out and see absolutely nothing wrong with it, it's kind of hard to get your point across as to just why you're not happy. It was actually kind of nice to be reassured that I'm not alone here.
People laugh at me when I bitch about the stupidity I'm surrounded with on a daily basis. I truly wish some of these people could shadow me at work some days. Today, for example. I was dreading today for a couple of weeks... For today was the opening day of gun season for deer, and about half of the staff at work was absent today so they could go sit in tree stands in the woods. (Yeah, I know, hunting is a huge pastime in Michigan... I gave it a go once just to see what it was about. I was bored as fuck, so... Not for me. I'll stay behind and work, you all just give me some of the meat when you kill something.) Among those that were absent: My boss, his wife(YAY!!!! Boss' wife is a raging bitch from hell, so I wasn't exactly crying over that one...), and the kitchen manager... Leaving me as acting manager in the kitchen. AKA: Everyone's stupidity is my problem today. There were two main culprits who were a source of frustration today... One was a dipshit server who is technically the problem of the dining room manager, but since she feels it necessary to bombard me with questions related to her job(a job that I don't have much of anything to do with, so I'm not sure why she feels like she needs to ask me.... Although I do have the answers most of the time and think it's pretty fucking pathetic that I apparently know her job better than she does...), I count her among my problems as well. The other is a fellow kitchen staffer who does NOT know his ass from a hole in the ground. He gets confused when there's more than two orders pending at the same time, so he needs to be babysat constantly(translation: I usually don't get anything done that I need to while working with him), and some of the stupidest shit comes out of his mouth. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no... I continue to be in awe of his sheer ignorance on a daily basis and it's a source of great wonder to me just how in the hell he's survived 29 years without doing something completely idiotic to get himself killed. And today proved no different: I had to explain the difference between the two lunch specials on several occasions, had to help him with the most basic of orders as he is severely ADD and can't focus on shit to save his life, and perhaps my favorite part of the whole day... Having to explain to him, upon his announcement that he's going to Ireland, that he's going to have to shell out a couple of thousand dollars in airfare alone- relevant information as he's always bitching about how he doesn't have a pot to piss in(insert shocked expression here), and then I was asked to explain where Ireland was. Even in my attempts to dumb it down the best I could, I was still unsuccessful.
Along with this, I also got to see Crazy Dumb Server Bitch ignore the phone repeatedly when it rang, make a pot of coffee without an actual pot in the coffeemaker, repeatedly fuck up orders she rang in, and ignore us when we informed her that her orders were done.
Today was definitely one that tested my patience for sure, and we weren't even really all that busy... Thank God. Some people find stupidity from others amusing... I'll admit that it is, when it's not affecting me. But I've discovered that I just don't have patience to deal with it as much as I have to anymore. Today erased any residual guilt I may have had over taking this Saturday off to indulge in MY personal favorite fall pastime... Football. (I say I might have a little guilt because I'd already taken off a Saturday a month ago to go to a game- I did say I'm starting to take more time off now than I once did, but learning to do so without the certain guilt trip that will surely be placed on me is still an ongoing process. But a buddy of mine had this ticket that he couldn't use and he offered it to me... How could I refuse?)
Baby steps towards my pursuit of happiness...
People laugh at me when I bitch about the stupidity I'm surrounded with on a daily basis. I truly wish some of these people could shadow me at work some days. Today, for example. I was dreading today for a couple of weeks... For today was the opening day of gun season for deer, and about half of the staff at work was absent today so they could go sit in tree stands in the woods. (Yeah, I know, hunting is a huge pastime in Michigan... I gave it a go once just to see what it was about. I was bored as fuck, so... Not for me. I'll stay behind and work, you all just give me some of the meat when you kill something.) Among those that were absent: My boss, his wife(YAY!!!! Boss' wife is a raging bitch from hell, so I wasn't exactly crying over that one...), and the kitchen manager... Leaving me as acting manager in the kitchen. AKA: Everyone's stupidity is my problem today. There were two main culprits who were a source of frustration today... One was a dipshit server who is technically the problem of the dining room manager, but since she feels it necessary to bombard me with questions related to her job(a job that I don't have much of anything to do with, so I'm not sure why she feels like she needs to ask me.... Although I do have the answers most of the time and think it's pretty fucking pathetic that I apparently know her job better than she does...), I count her among my problems as well. The other is a fellow kitchen staffer who does NOT know his ass from a hole in the ground. He gets confused when there's more than two orders pending at the same time, so he needs to be babysat constantly(translation: I usually don't get anything done that I need to while working with him), and some of the stupidest shit comes out of his mouth. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no... I continue to be in awe of his sheer ignorance on a daily basis and it's a source of great wonder to me just how in the hell he's survived 29 years without doing something completely idiotic to get himself killed. And today proved no different: I had to explain the difference between the two lunch specials on several occasions, had to help him with the most basic of orders as he is severely ADD and can't focus on shit to save his life, and perhaps my favorite part of the whole day... Having to explain to him, upon his announcement that he's going to Ireland, that he's going to have to shell out a couple of thousand dollars in airfare alone- relevant information as he's always bitching about how he doesn't have a pot to piss in(insert shocked expression here), and then I was asked to explain where Ireland was. Even in my attempts to dumb it down the best I could, I was still unsuccessful.
Along with this, I also got to see Crazy Dumb Server Bitch ignore the phone repeatedly when it rang, make a pot of coffee without an actual pot in the coffeemaker, repeatedly fuck up orders she rang in, and ignore us when we informed her that her orders were done.
Today was definitely one that tested my patience for sure, and we weren't even really all that busy... Thank God. Some people find stupidity from others amusing... I'll admit that it is, when it's not affecting me. But I've discovered that I just don't have patience to deal with it as much as I have to anymore. Today erased any residual guilt I may have had over taking this Saturday off to indulge in MY personal favorite fall pastime... Football. (I say I might have a little guilt because I'd already taken off a Saturday a month ago to go to a game- I did say I'm starting to take more time off now than I once did, but learning to do so without the certain guilt trip that will surely be placed on me is still an ongoing process. But a buddy of mine had this ticket that he couldn't use and he offered it to me... How could I refuse?)
Baby steps towards my pursuit of happiness...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
One last thought...
Found this fitting, as I happen to be experiencing this right now. Add "Fuck my life" and "Just fucking cut out this goddamn uterus already" to the list, and that just about covers it.
I should be sleeping...
Yet, I'm not. I'm in another one of my moods where my brain is racing, and I can't quiet my thoughts. (If you choose to follow this, you'll see this happens a lot.) While I've dabbled in blogging before, I've somehow felt it necessary to do it again(and hopefully stay with it this time...) due to lots of thoughts I'd love to share but really don't feel like I have any sort of public outlet to do so. If you've been linked to this blog, be honored... It means I trust you enough to show you my brutal honesty without fear of being judged. If you've just stumbled upon it... Well, I am sarcastic, sometimes evil, very cynical, and on a quest to find my own personal inner peace after years of mental and emotional abuse. I'll post things that might be offensive to the faint of heart, and this little corner of the internet will likely often serve as a makeshift shrink's couch, so if you feel like you can't hang... No worries, just quietly head out the door and I'll not only refuse to judge you for it, but I'll likely never be the wiser.
What brings me to this state of rambling thoughts at all hours of the night? Call it general discontent with the way my life has panned out to this point. Over the past few years... (Call it four years, because I pinpoint the death of the father I never really knew and the emotional hell that came with it as the exact moment everything TRULY began to go to shit... Believe it or not, I believed I was actually playing the less-than-stellar hand I'd been dealt pretty well up to that point.) Well, let's just say I've discovered who I can and cannot trust and who truly gives a shit about me(A VERY painful process, but useful nonetheless), grown very bitter as to why things happen(mostly to me), felt my emotional fortitude come on the verge of collapsing under the weight of every single painful thing that has been said/done to me in my life(Or maybe it already HAS collapsed, I'm not sure yet...), and thrown myself head-first to the point of fanaticism into things that make me smile, because they're pretty much all I have to make my current existence bearable.
I have an idea to fix this, though... Relocation. Destination: Likely Chicago. Why this? Because when I spent nearly a week there over the summer, I felt calm(relatively... And when I wasn't, it was good nerves.. ;-)), relaxed, peaceful (Yes, this girl who was born and raised in small town Michigan actually found a huge city to be PEACEFUL), and fully able to be who I truly am, as opposed to being looked down upon in my hometown filled with nice little houses and families with children doing nice little wholesome family things where all is good and sweet and (allegedly) right. Why am I looked down upon? Because marriage has no appeal to me. Nor does motherhood. I'm opinionated. Strong-willed. Independent. Pretty much everything that the average woman here is not. So therefore, I'm weird. I have dreams that reach beyond a picket fence. I'm not content with settling. I want the fairy tale(Even though I have a hard time envisioning that happening, even if everything goes to plan...). I want to create my own masterpiece, as opposed to doing what everyone else is, what is expected and is HOPED for from me. (Also, having liberal beliefs in a notoriously conservative region is a challenge, but I won't discuss politics often... )
Long story short, when I turned 30 this past April, I decided that I'd spent enough time living to please everyone else and start doing what makes ME happy. And I've started to implement this new approach to life in bits and pieces.... Much to the chagrin of some, but I don't really give a shit. It's my turn. I've earned it. I've taken more time off work. Started spending more time indulging in the things I truly enjoy. Giving myself permission to LIVE. And it's wonderful, but still a work in progress.
Seeing as how I must force myself to bed, I'll conclude what I'm sure will be the first of many posts where I ramble about everything and nothing all at once.
Until the next...
Steph
What brings me to this state of rambling thoughts at all hours of the night? Call it general discontent with the way my life has panned out to this point. Over the past few years... (Call it four years, because I pinpoint the death of the father I never really knew and the emotional hell that came with it as the exact moment everything TRULY began to go to shit... Believe it or not, I believed I was actually playing the less-than-stellar hand I'd been dealt pretty well up to that point.) Well, let's just say I've discovered who I can and cannot trust and who truly gives a shit about me(A VERY painful process, but useful nonetheless), grown very bitter as to why things happen(mostly to me), felt my emotional fortitude come on the verge of collapsing under the weight of every single painful thing that has been said/done to me in my life(Or maybe it already HAS collapsed, I'm not sure yet...), and thrown myself head-first to the point of fanaticism into things that make me smile, because they're pretty much all I have to make my current existence bearable.
I have an idea to fix this, though... Relocation. Destination: Likely Chicago. Why this? Because when I spent nearly a week there over the summer, I felt calm(relatively... And when I wasn't, it was good nerves.. ;-)), relaxed, peaceful (Yes, this girl who was born and raised in small town Michigan actually found a huge city to be PEACEFUL), and fully able to be who I truly am, as opposed to being looked down upon in my hometown filled with nice little houses and families with children doing nice little wholesome family things where all is good and sweet and (allegedly) right. Why am I looked down upon? Because marriage has no appeal to me. Nor does motherhood. I'm opinionated. Strong-willed. Independent. Pretty much everything that the average woman here is not. So therefore, I'm weird. I have dreams that reach beyond a picket fence. I'm not content with settling. I want the fairy tale(Even though I have a hard time envisioning that happening, even if everything goes to plan...). I want to create my own masterpiece, as opposed to doing what everyone else is, what is expected and is HOPED for from me. (Also, having liberal beliefs in a notoriously conservative region is a challenge, but I won't discuss politics often... )
Long story short, when I turned 30 this past April, I decided that I'd spent enough time living to please everyone else and start doing what makes ME happy. And I've started to implement this new approach to life in bits and pieces.... Much to the chagrin of some, but I don't really give a shit. It's my turn. I've earned it. I've taken more time off work. Started spending more time indulging in the things I truly enjoy. Giving myself permission to LIVE. And it's wonderful, but still a work in progress.
Seeing as how I must force myself to bed, I'll conclude what I'm sure will be the first of many posts where I ramble about everything and nothing all at once.
Until the next...
Steph
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