Yet, I'm not. I'm in another one of my moods where my brain is racing, and I can't quiet my thoughts. (If you choose to follow this, you'll see this happens a lot.) While I've dabbled in blogging before, I've somehow felt it necessary to do it again(and hopefully stay with it this time...) due to lots of thoughts I'd love to share but really don't feel like I have any sort of public outlet to do so. If you've been linked to this blog, be honored... It means I trust you enough to show you my brutal honesty without fear of being judged. If you've just stumbled upon it... Well, I am sarcastic, sometimes evil, very cynical, and on a quest to find my own personal inner peace after years of mental and emotional abuse. I'll post things that might be offensive to the faint of heart, and this little corner of the internet will likely often serve as a makeshift shrink's couch, so if you feel like you can't hang... No worries, just quietly head out the door and I'll not only refuse to judge you for it, but I'll likely never be the wiser.
What brings me to this state of rambling thoughts at all hours of the night? Call it general discontent with the way my life has panned out to this point. Over the past few years... (Call it four years, because I pinpoint the death of the father I never really knew and the emotional hell that came with it as the exact moment everything TRULY began to go to shit... Believe it or not, I believed I was actually playing the less-than-stellar hand I'd been dealt pretty well up to that point.) Well, let's just say I've discovered who I can and cannot trust and who truly gives a shit about me(A VERY painful process, but useful nonetheless), grown very bitter as to why things happen(mostly to me), felt my emotional fortitude come on the verge of collapsing under the weight of every single painful thing that has been said/done to me in my life(Or maybe it already HAS collapsed, I'm not sure yet...), and thrown myself head-first to the point of fanaticism into things that make me smile, because they're pretty much all I have to make my current existence bearable.
I have an idea to fix this, though... Relocation. Destination: Likely Chicago. Why this? Because when I spent nearly a week there over the summer, I felt calm(relatively... And when I wasn't, it was good nerves.. ;-)), relaxed, peaceful (Yes, this girl who was born and raised in small town Michigan actually found a huge city to be PEACEFUL), and fully able to be who I truly am, as opposed to being looked down upon in my hometown filled with nice little houses and families with children doing nice little wholesome family things where all is good and sweet and (allegedly) right. Why am I looked down upon? Because marriage has no appeal to me. Nor does motherhood. I'm opinionated. Strong-willed. Independent. Pretty much everything that the average woman here is not. So therefore, I'm weird. I have dreams that reach beyond a picket fence. I'm not content with settling. I want the fairy tale(Even though I have a hard time envisioning that happening, even if everything goes to plan...). I want to create my own masterpiece, as opposed to doing what everyone else is, what is expected and is HOPED for from me. (Also, having liberal beliefs in a notoriously conservative region is a challenge, but I won't discuss politics often... )
Long story short, when I turned 30 this past April, I decided that I'd spent enough time living to please everyone else and start doing what makes ME happy. And I've started to implement this new approach to life in bits and pieces.... Much to the chagrin of some, but I don't really give a shit. It's my turn. I've earned it. I've taken more time off work. Started spending more time indulging in the things I truly enjoy. Giving myself permission to LIVE. And it's wonderful, but still a work in progress.
Seeing as how I must force myself to bed, I'll conclude what I'm sure will be the first of many posts where I ramble about everything and nothing all at once.
Until the next...
Steph
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